Saturday, July 2, 2011

Pregnant Again

So here I am again, pregnant. Only this time I didn’t find myself playing 20 questions, I simply put on my big girl panties and said let’s do this! I was 20 years old and about to experience motherhood.

When I visited my obstetrician for the first time, though, everything changed. She went through a long list of possible risks for a baby born to a mother with a drug habit. She also wanted me to contact my psychiatrist and ask her about the anti-depressants I was taking. My psychiatrist told me the medications significantly increased the chances of serious birth defects but that stopping the meds could be catastrophic to my mental stability. But what else could I do? Nothing could be more catastrophic to me than having another abortion.

I felt completely hopeless. I remember wrapping my arms around my belly and wanting so badly to protect the little one inside of me. And then I found myself on my knees. I began praying to a God that I hadn’t spoken to in years. Did I even believe in God? And let’s say there is an all-powerful God in Heaven, why would He listen to me? But none of that mattered, I couldn’t have stopped myself if I tried. I needed a miracle.

That day I stopped taking all my medications and I didn’t touch another drug for the rest of my pregnancy. I also talked with my parents and we agreed that for my safety and the safety of the baby I needed to move far away from my boyfriend. So without any doubt they packed up their lives and moved with me across country so I could have a new beginning.

Since I was considered high risk I got to have more sonograms than most. It was absolutely awesome watching this little life grow inside me. But around 18 weeks my mom and I went for another sonogram and this one had me nervous. Up until now all the tests had come back negative, showing a perfectly healthy little baby. This time, though, the doctor wanted to take a close look at my baby’s back to rule out Spina Bifida. My mom sat holding my hand while we watched the doctor take picture after picture, measuring every inch of my baby. And then He gave me the news I’ll never forget. My baby looked perfect!

To celebrate, my mom and I went out and bought some clothes for my son. My son! I still couldn’t believe that in just a few months I was going to have a little boy to hold. But as exciting as it was it all made me miss my first baby so much more. It was an actual physical pain. Mothers are put on this earth to protect their children and I never even gave my first a chance.

A week before my due date I woke up at 3AM in labor. The contractions weren’t painful but they were consistent so after a few I got up and took a shower. It wasn’t really until I woke up my parents that the realization dawned on me…I was about to have a baby!!!