Monday, July 11, 2011

Healing After my Abortions

I know that not everyone has great remorse after having an abortion but I’d have to say that the number of those cases must be few. I’ve had the chance to talk with a lot of post abortion women (and men) and I have yet to meet one who was completely satisfied with their decision. Not to say that some aren’t, but I just haven’t met one. But that’s really a blog for another time. For those of us who do regret our decision the road to healing can be long and difficult but when we do finally escape from our hell there is usually something or someone that helped get us out. For me, it was God!

Growing up I remember Sunday mornings in church and saying the Lord’s prayer with my parents at night. I considered myself a Christian but at some point in high school I decided to follow my own ways. Sure I’d pray to God when I thought it might benefit me - like when I was pregnant with my son and was concerned for both our health. And when my son was born and my doctor told me what a miracle baby he was I did consider that maybe the big guy in the sky really did exist. But I wasn’t ready to face Him. Especially after my second abortion when I had hit my lowest of lows. I had already condemned myself to a lifetime of hell, I didn’t need to fear an eternity of it.

Still, after moving back with my parents I found myself at a church. I had started going not because of God but because of the singles group. I needed to meet some people and I had heard this church had a huge singles ministry. But one Saturday night at that church changed my life. There was a giant cross on the stage that night and the pastor was talking about Jesus dying for our sins. He said that Jesus died on that cross for each of one us and that nailed on that cross with Him were all of our sins. I started crying. Though I knew I never really belonged in that church I suddenly had an overwhelming desire to run. My sins were unforgivable. I know everyone lies or steals at least a pencil in their life but I was a monster. The pastor continued talking and said that no matter how great our sin, God is greater. Somehow I believed him. We were each given a piece of paper and asked to write down one sin in our life that we wanted to lay at the foot of the cross to symbolize the washing of our sin. I wrote my angel babies and walked up and laid them at the feet of Jesus.

It’s been 7 years since then and while I’d like to say that I’ve never struggled with my decisions ever again, I can’t. I found true forgiveness that night but I continued to carry around the heavy burden that came with my decisions. It’s only been in the last month that I’ve begun to lighten my burden but I know the day will come when I really do find rest.

“Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28