Thursday, July 7, 2011

Another Unplanned Pregnancy

At 10:15 AM I was holding my little miracle in my arms. He was perfect - 10 fingers, 10 toes, beautiful blue eyes and the most kissable chubby cheeks. I was in love! One month went by and then another. My little guy was growing up and beginning to smile. My heart soared every time I saw those gums but I also ached inside. My son was missing his older sibling. My first baby would’ve been a year and a half old now - walking, talking jibberish, and probably intrigued with the new baby. They were supposed to grow up together - share a room and fight over toys, cheer each other on in sports and challenge each other at games. My son wasn’t supposed to be alone.

I never really talked to anyone about my feelings. I felt completely alone, as though no one could understand; after all, it had been over two years since my abortion. I figured I was overreacting and needed to stop thinking so much about it. But I couldn’t. I felt so numb inside, as if I had died. My parents saw it and tried so hard to reach out to me but I kept pulling away. I began calling my ex and he convinced me to move back with him. Without much thought I packed up my 6 month old and moved. To this day I can’t imagine why but I needed something and I kept hoping to find it in him.

My boyfriend and I began fighting right away and only one month after we got there I discovered what a mistake I had made. I was holding my son when we got into an argument and my boyfriend let loose on me. Our neighbor called the police and my boyfriend ran off when he heard the sirens. I still remember the look in their eyes when the police officer’s told me I needed to leave to protect my little one. Why had it come to this? I felt so stupid that I had put my baby in that kind of situation. I got out and moved in with a friend that night.

The tears wouldn’t stop. I so wanted to call my parents and go home but I was too embarrassed. They had done so much for me, even moving across country just trying to help. All they wanted was to love me and I wouldn’t let them. How could I? I felt like a monster and couldn’t imagine anyone loving someone like me. So I stayed where I was and fell into a meaningless relationship only to wind up pregnant once again.