Monday, September 12, 2011

Checking In

I apologize for my long absence. Life seemed to hit high speed with the end of summer, along with a few minor hiccups, so I needed to take some time away from the computer. I have really been blown away, however, by the continued response even in my absence. Thank you so much for all of your emails! The encouragement has meant so much and you’re stories have touched my heart. I have tried to keep up and respond as much as possible but I am behind. If I haven’t responded to you, please know I’m trying my best and will reply as soon as possible.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Pro-Life Ultrasound Law

I never saw my ultrasound pictures or heard their little heartbeats before I had my abortions. If I had, things could be very different. Today I have 3 children and I can recall clearly each and every ultrasound. It’s absolutely incredible to have a window into the womb and see this little life that you helped create; this little peanut remaining so still for his first picture while the sounds of his heartbeat fill the room. Amazing!

While I'm not assuming that showing women their ultrasound pictures or hearing the heartbeat will shut down abortion clinics, I do believe that there will be a great number who seriously question whether abortion is really their best option. If I had been faced with a real-time image of my children, it would have been hard to deny their true existence and simply view them as a blob of tissue.  So it doesn't surprise me that the new Texas pro-life ultrasound law is being challenged by pro-abortionists.

You can check out the story at Life News.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Her Little Girl

Wife for Life tells the tragic story of her loss and brings to life the very real beauty of baby at only 14.5 weeks gestation.

Below is part of her story:

“I will never forget that first moment of seeing our little girl, of holding that tiny, precious bundle. The nurses and doctor respectfully left us to bond, to grieve over the birth and death of our baby, assuring us that we could take however much time we wanted. She measured 8 inches, or 21cm from head to toe and weighed 120 grams. She was 14 ½ weeks of age when she died.

All the knowledge I had of fetal development and life in the womb could not prepare me for what now lay before my very eyes. Although her facial features were slack and not completely defined, we could still see a very distinct resemblance to our other children’s features. Most amazing were her perfect little hands, one of which fit perfectly across the nail of my index finger. Closer inspection showed distinct fingernails at the end of each of her delicate fingers. We marvelled at the tiny little toes at the end of each foot. The muscles and tendons of her body were all in place; viewed easily just by moving her arms and bending her legs. She was so beautiful; so amazingly, perfectly formed, perfectly proportioned. It is so unfathomable that people refuse to acknowledge this as a human being; that babies this age and older are being killed every day through abortion.

We named our little girl Olivia Amy, the name she would have had if she had been born at full term, the name we had assigned so many hopes and dreams to. Olivia is just as much a part of our family as any of our other children.”

Friday, August 5, 2011

My Struggles with ‘Replacement Baby Syndrome’

After my first abortion there was a period of time where I was devoid of any true emotion, left only with the ache I felt for the baby I had torn from my body. My arms felt so empty and my life felt meaningless. I wanted my baby back! Even at the time it felt bizarre, I had just chosen to abort my own child and yet suddenly all I wanted to was to be a mother.

I hadn’t been trying but when I found out I was pregnant for a second time I was overcome with a sense of joy and hope. I felt as if I had been given a second chance and knew I wanted to do it right this time. I was going to protect this little life with everything in me. My emotions were quickly thrown for a loop, however, when the doctors told me of their concerns for my baby’s health. I felt like such a failure. Something inside me said maybe I didn’t deserve to be a mother. Maybe as punishment for choosing to end the life of my first child I was never going to be given another child to love. But I continued on with the pregnancy and 8 months later I experienced the greatest joy of my life, the birth of my son.

Now that my arms were no longer empty I believed that I could move on and find happiness and fulfillment by building a new life with my son. What I didn’t understand, however, was that loving and caring for this precious child while trying to ignore my unresolved sense of loss and longing for Aaron would not lead me down a path of healing and happiness. I was still an emotional train wreck; I didn‘t think there was any way to find that inner peace which I needed so desperately for myself and for my son. And as I grew to love my son more each day, the pain only worsened and ultimately I began to believe that my abortion defined me and left me unworthy to be a mother…especially to this perfect and beautiful little boy. Eventually my fear and grief drove me away from my son emotionally.

It took nearly a year of my son’s life and yet another abortion before I realized I needed help. It was only after I found the courage to seek help and stare down those demons that held me captive for so long that I was able to begin the healing process. I was able to acknowledge and truly delight in my son as a unique and beautiful individual and came to understand that I had tried to use him as a way to fill the void left from my abortion. One person cannot replace or bring closure for the loss of another. I will forever regret the time of emotional bonding that I missed with my son; however, I am glad to say that today you could not find a greater love than he and I share.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Over the past week someone very special to me has been in and out of the hospital. While I have faith that everything is going to turn out just fine, it has definitely caused me to take a step back and evaluate what’s important in life. My family is the most important thing to me aside from God. Yet while I love my husband and children, I have often looked upon them and felt guilt because to see what I have today is to remember what I let go of in my past.

Ten years ago I chose to have an abortion - to end the life of my first child. In doing so I ended a journey in my life that I’ll never get to see play out. And then only a few years later I ended another path in my life when I had my second abortion. So often I find myself aching for those children and pleading with God that I could go back and change everything. And yet through my tears I realize that if I were to go back, I don’t know where I would end up today. Would I be married to the my best friend? Would we have made the family we have today? Am I really willing to risk everything I love to go back and redo past mistakes? Ultimately I always come to the same conclusion, I choose the life I have today.

For years I’ve tortured myself, assuming I must love my family more than my sweet Aaron and David. But that’s simply not true. I’ve come to realize that I will continue to make mistakes and when I do I can either allow those mistakes to define who I am and become a prisoner to them, or I can learn from them, grow because of them, and become a stronger individual as a result of them.

Motherhood has made me want to become a better person and I know that Aaron and David have played a large role in shaping me into who I am today: a wife and a mother who praises God, loves life, and is very, very thankful for her family!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Undiscussed Truths of 'Choice'

There is certainly no shortage of opinions on abortion. For some it’s based on their moral or religious beliefs, or rights of the unborn. For others it’s about freedom of choice; a woman’s right to make choices concerning her own body. This blog is not intended to manipulate vulnerable women about whether abortion itself is right or wrong. If that were the case I believe my words would evaporate into the abyss we call the abortion debate. My intent is to provide support for women who may be faced with one of the most difficult choices of their lives – as I once was – by blowing through the rhetoric and sharing with them what I’d found to be the “undiscussed truths.”

Simply put, I am here to share my personal experiences with abortions in the hope that they will help educate women in a pro-choice society that professes personal freedom but fails to freely share all the information we need to make that choice. If I am able to help just one woman, I’ll feel this has all been worthwhile. But I also now feel driven to speak out and in some small way help mend a broken support structure and perhaps influence an all-to-often hypocritical society that failed me and continues to fail women today. As women, we owe it to each other to acknowledge that a pro-choice society hiding behind the ideals of feminism and choice, without the courage to reveal the “undiscussed truths,” is a failure unto ourselves. Yes, I had the right to choose an abortion. What I did not have was the ability to become fully educated on the true irreparable psychological damage that is so often associated with abortion and how alone I would be in my suffering.

Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)….ever heard of it? It’s a very real condition that affects a large number of women, and even their partners, after an abortion. These women are met with a wide range of emotional symptoms they weren’t anticipating and suddenly find it difficult to cope with their decision. They can struggle with depression, self-doubt, suicide, cutting. Some find it difficult to care for their existing children, often feeling unworthy; and others struggle just to go about their day to day routine. PASS is very real and society needs to become educated on it!

Many pro-choice activists have been sweeping PASS under the rug, implying that it’s simply a myth made up by pro-life advocates as a scare tactic. How could they otherwise account for the limited pro-choice post abortion support groups? They did ultimately open Emerge in 2006. Don’t get me wrong, prior to that there were support groups, but the vast majority were lead by religious pro life organizations. Ironic, don’t you think? The very people rallying behind a woman’s right to choose ignore us when we‘re falling victims to the emotional aftermath of an abortion.

So what are the motives behind so many of these pro-choice activists? Is it really about women and their right to choose? That being the case, I would expect they would want to depict a clear truth of what that ‘choice’ entails. Pregnancy, unplanned or planned, is a life-altering event; one which carries with it a life-long decision. No one should make an uneducated choice about proceeding with or terminating their pregnancy without fully weighing their options and thinking through the consequences. And I just don’t feel that women today are given the opportunity to make a truly educated choice. We’re failing them in one of their most desperate hours by offering idealism rather that the facts – the “undiscussed truths.”

Friday, July 22, 2011

My First Angel

This month my little Aaron would be turning 10 years old. The thought has brought a lot of grief and tears, more than I‘ve had in a while. I’m not sure if it’s because 10 years old is such a milestone or if it’s simply because I’m realizing how much time has elapsed since my little angel was once alive and a part of me. I think maybe it’s a little of both.

I remember so clearly how excited I was for my 10th birthday and finally turning double digits. I often think about my Aaron and how excited he (or she) would be for his big day. And then I imagine the 10 years that I’ve missed of his little life - getting his first tooth, learning to walk, saying ‘mama’ for the first time, walking hand in hand to his first day at kindergarten, Christmas mornings, birthdays, visits from the tooth fairy, bedtime stories, trips to Disney World…life. I‘ve missed out on so many amazing memories and I’ve caused him to miss out on living.

It’s been over a decade since I carried my little Aaron inside me. Time has definitely helped me heal and move forward with life and yet ironically I seem to be fighting time. It’s a struggle for me as the years pass and separate me from the time when my angels were safe and living just under my heart. Nevertheless, I know I will carry them around forever in my heart but it just doesn’t change the fact that I miss them terribly!!

Happy Birthday my beautiful angel! I love you!