It’s been really hard to reflect back on this pregnancy. After my first abortion I had never found a way to cope and so it continued to eat away at me until I was nearly dead inside. I had no real relationship with my son and I cared for drugs more than I cared about either of us. So when I discovered I was pregnant all I felt was disgust…at me, at the baby, at the world. I didn’t feel any desire to protect it like I had with my first pregnancy. All I wanted was to rid myself of this, this ’thing’ inside of me.
I knew I didn’t want to go through the surgical abortion again and have to listen to that awful suctioning noise; instead, I opted for the abortion pill, it sounded so easy. So I popped the first pill at Planned Parenthood and then at home I took the second medicine, misoprostol. I had received a prescription for anti-nausea medication because apparently the misoprostol could make me pretty sick. But I figured since the medicated abortion was supposed to be more like a natural miscarriage I could handle it and considered not filling my prescription. My roommate was the one who convinced me to get it filled ‘just in case.’ On my way to the drug store it hit! A wave of nausea that caused me to open my car door while driving and throw up as I was pulling over. It was the worst nausea I’ve ever experienced. I knew I needed that prescription now so I made it to the drug store and spent the entire time in the bathroom throwing up. I still don’t know how I made it home.
The cramping became almost intolerable shortly after I got home. I decided to climb in the bathtub and try to relieve some of the pain. As I was in there I remember hearing stories of people seeing their baby after they passed it. For the first time this abortion I suddenly felt true remorse. What the hell had I just done? This wasn’t just some ‘thing,’ this was my baby! And the thought that I could be lying in the bathtub with my dead baby was more than I could handle.
That was it…I hit rock bottom. Lying in the bathtub I began seeing my life for what it was - void of any real meaning. I had become addicted to drugs and alcohol once again. I didn’t even know my own son, most of the time I left him with people I didn’t know or when I knew them I knew all too well that they’d be too high to watch him. And then I thought about what I was doing right then, lying in a bathtub full of my own blood while aborting another child.
It was all too much. I hated the monster I had become and all I wanted was to die. The only thing I had was my son and he’d be better off without me. My parents would raise him and he’d have a much better life than I would ever give him, he’d finally have someone to love him like he deserved. Then, as if on cue, my son began crying. The sound of his voice seemed to knock life back into me. How could I ever leave my son? I had made so many selfish choices since he had been born but I knew I wanted to change. I wanted to be the mother he deserved.
Since I was still in so much pain I called for my roommate to bring him back to my room. I climbed out of the bathtub and we laid on my bed, both of us crying. I wanted so badly to start fresh with him right then but the truth was I was still having an abortion and I slowly I began to realize that something wasn’t right. I could hardly move and I was loosing a lot of blood - too much blood. It been hours now since I had started heavy bleeding and instead of slowing down it seemed to be increasing. So I was taken to the emergency room and had to watch as a doctor tried to hide his judgment.
A month after my second abortion I was packing up to move back with my parents. I was really broken from my 2 abortions and not sure how I would ever forgive myself but I knew I couldn‘t stay in the life I was leading. My dad came and helped us move just before Thanksgiving and best of all, we were going to be home for my son’s first birthday.