Monday, August 15, 2011

Pro-Life Ultrasound Law

I never saw my ultrasound pictures or heard their little heartbeats before I had my abortions. If I had, things could be very different. Today I have 3 children and I can recall clearly each and every ultrasound. It’s absolutely incredible to have a window into the womb and see this little life that you helped create; this little peanut remaining so still for his first picture while the sounds of his heartbeat fill the room. Amazing!

While I'm not assuming that showing women their ultrasound pictures or hearing the heartbeat will shut down abortion clinics, I do believe that there will be a great number who seriously question whether abortion is really their best option. If I had been faced with a real-time image of my children, it would have been hard to deny their true existence and simply view them as a blob of tissue.  So it doesn't surprise me that the new Texas pro-life ultrasound law is being challenged by pro-abortionists.

You can check out the story at Life News.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Her Little Girl

Wife for Life tells the tragic story of her loss and brings to life the very real beauty of baby at only 14.5 weeks gestation.

Below is part of her story:

“I will never forget that first moment of seeing our little girl, of holding that tiny, precious bundle. The nurses and doctor respectfully left us to bond, to grieve over the birth and death of our baby, assuring us that we could take however much time we wanted. She measured 8 inches, or 21cm from head to toe and weighed 120 grams. She was 14 ½ weeks of age when she died.

All the knowledge I had of fetal development and life in the womb could not prepare me for what now lay before my very eyes. Although her facial features were slack and not completely defined, we could still see a very distinct resemblance to our other children’s features. Most amazing were her perfect little hands, one of which fit perfectly across the nail of my index finger. Closer inspection showed distinct fingernails at the end of each of her delicate fingers. We marvelled at the tiny little toes at the end of each foot. The muscles and tendons of her body were all in place; viewed easily just by moving her arms and bending her legs. She was so beautiful; so amazingly, perfectly formed, perfectly proportioned. It is so unfathomable that people refuse to acknowledge this as a human being; that babies this age and older are being killed every day through abortion.

We named our little girl Olivia Amy, the name she would have had if she had been born at full term, the name we had assigned so many hopes and dreams to. Olivia is just as much a part of our family as any of our other children.”

Friday, August 5, 2011

My Struggles with ‘Replacement Baby Syndrome’

After my first abortion there was a period of time where I was devoid of any true emotion, left only with the ache I felt for the baby I had torn from my body. My arms felt so empty and my life felt meaningless. I wanted my baby back! Even at the time it felt bizarre, I had just chosen to abort my own child and yet suddenly all I wanted to was to be a mother.

I hadn’t been trying but when I found out I was pregnant for a second time I was overcome with a sense of joy and hope. I felt as if I had been given a second chance and knew I wanted to do it right this time. I was going to protect this little life with everything in me. My emotions were quickly thrown for a loop, however, when the doctors told me of their concerns for my baby’s health. I felt like such a failure. Something inside me said maybe I didn’t deserve to be a mother. Maybe as punishment for choosing to end the life of my first child I was never going to be given another child to love. But I continued on with the pregnancy and 8 months later I experienced the greatest joy of my life, the birth of my son.

Now that my arms were no longer empty I believed that I could move on and find happiness and fulfillment by building a new life with my son. What I didn’t understand, however, was that loving and caring for this precious child while trying to ignore my unresolved sense of loss and longing for Aaron would not lead me down a path of healing and happiness. I was still an emotional train wreck; I didn‘t think there was any way to find that inner peace which I needed so desperately for myself and for my son. And as I grew to love my son more each day, the pain only worsened and ultimately I began to believe that my abortion defined me and left me unworthy to be a mother…especially to this perfect and beautiful little boy. Eventually my fear and grief drove me away from my son emotionally.

It took nearly a year of my son’s life and yet another abortion before I realized I needed help. It was only after I found the courage to seek help and stare down those demons that held me captive for so long that I was able to begin the healing process. I was able to acknowledge and truly delight in my son as a unique and beautiful individual and came to understand that I had tried to use him as a way to fill the void left from my abortion. One person cannot replace or bring closure for the loss of another. I will forever regret the time of emotional bonding that I missed with my son; however, I am glad to say that today you could not find a greater love than he and I share.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Over the past week someone very special to me has been in and out of the hospital. While I have faith that everything is going to turn out just fine, it has definitely caused me to take a step back and evaluate what’s important in life. My family is the most important thing to me aside from God. Yet while I love my husband and children, I have often looked upon them and felt guilt because to see what I have today is to remember what I let go of in my past.

Ten years ago I chose to have an abortion - to end the life of my first child. In doing so I ended a journey in my life that I’ll never get to see play out. And then only a few years later I ended another path in my life when I had my second abortion. So often I find myself aching for those children and pleading with God that I could go back and change everything. And yet through my tears I realize that if I were to go back, I don’t know where I would end up today. Would I be married to the my best friend? Would we have made the family we have today? Am I really willing to risk everything I love to go back and redo past mistakes? Ultimately I always come to the same conclusion, I choose the life I have today.

For years I’ve tortured myself, assuming I must love my family more than my sweet Aaron and David. But that’s simply not true. I’ve come to realize that I will continue to make mistakes and when I do I can either allow those mistakes to define who I am and become a prisoner to them, or I can learn from them, grow because of them, and become a stronger individual as a result of them.

Motherhood has made me want to become a better person and I know that Aaron and David have played a large role in shaping me into who I am today: a wife and a mother who praises God, loves life, and is very, very thankful for her family!