For years I have been dealing with the grueling impact my two abortions have had on my life. I’ve cried a lot and felt more pain than I wish to ever feel again. And while I knew how real my abortions were even then, it was important for me to carry some distance in order to not be completely overpowered by the realness of it all. I think that’s why when my first son was born I struggled so much more. I saw what comes from that little life and I experienced the possibilities of what could have been.
It took a long time but I finally began to find healing and with that healing I found hope - hope that I could forgive myself without letting go of what happened and what I once had, because I believe that the precious gifts I once had were real, once alive and existing inside me. I no longer wanted to remember them simply as my first abortion or second abortion, I wanted to give them an existence forever in my heart and in this world. I wanted to give them names.
My beautiful first baby, Aaron (EDD July 2001), meaning shining light. My little light that shines hope on the fact that one day I will hold you in my arms as I’ve longed to do for so long.
To my special third child, David (EDD May 2004), meaning beloved. I tried to deny you my love 8 years ago but never will another day go by where I will not think about how much I love you.