Monday, June 27, 2011

My First Abortion

Understanding this would probably be the hardest thing I had ever written I started with the intention to share as much as possible while knowing I would want to hold back some of my thoughts and feelings from my first abortion. However, I realized that I started this blog to share my inner most thoughts and reflections on my experiences to help others gain some insight they may need before making a lifelong decision. So with that, here’s my first experience with abortion.

At 18 I had been in an on-again off-again relationship with the same guy for about 2 years. After yet another emotional and physical argument I was left drained, hurting, and single. So when I suddenly found myself staring down at a positive pregnancy test in November of 2000 all I recall is the sudden rush of adrenaline and nausea. The room began spinning as my world seemed to crash in around me. How could I tell my parents? Should I even tell my ex-boyfriend? How would he react? But then again how could I raise a baby on my own? And what about MY life?

That week I called up my boyfriend and told him the news. We agreed to try and make it work for “the good of the baby.” It wasn't but a couple of days and the violence began again. It was in that moment that I made a decision that would change my life forever. I knew I may never find the power to leave him for good but there was no way I was going to bring a baby into that situation. I called Planned Parenthood.

The week just before Christmas I found myself walking in with a friend to have my surgical abortion. Inside I sat down and tried to think about anything other than where I was and what was happening, but it was all consuming. I thought about my boyfriend and how he would react if I ever told him the truth of what I was doing. I thought about the nights I sat in bed crying and talking to the baby inside me. I thought about my family and what they would think of me when they found out what I had done. And finally, after what seemed like a lifetime and a millisecond all wrapped in one, my name was called and I was led back.

When the doctor came in she told me she needed to do an ultrasound but would keep the screen turned away so I didn‘t have to see. At that moment all I could think about was my baby. I thought about the tiny toes and fingers that I would never count. I thought his chubby cheeks that I would never kiss or her beautiful blonde locks that I would never brush. My thoughts were interrupted as the nurse began moving me into place for the surgery. At that moment all I could think of was jumping up and running through the door and leaving this nightmare behind. The nurse was talking to me but I wasn’t listening, I was telling my legs to move, to get us out of there as quickly as possible. But then I felt a hand from the nurse and she asked if I was ready. I nodded instinctively and lay my head back as I began to cry. As the doctor began suctioning I lurched in pain. I continued to cry throughout the procedure as the nurse kept trying to reassure me it was almost over and I needed to lay as still as possible. But the pain was horrible. The physical pain was worse than any menstrual cramps I had ever experienced but the emotional pain was even worse.

When it was finally over I was moved to the large recovery room with a number of other women and finally released. The next couple of days went by in a daze but the pain continued to be intolerable. Christmas day came and I put on a happy face in front of family until I nearly collapsed and had to be rushed to the ER. After being treated for abortion complications I was released and told the pain should begin to subside. I held on to the hope that I would soon be free from this nightmare and able to move on.