Over the past week someone very special to me has been in and out of the hospital. While I have faith that everything is going to turn out just fine, it has definitely caused me to take a step back and evaluate what’s important in life. My family is the most important thing to me aside from God. Yet while I love my husband and children, I have often looked upon them and felt guilt because to see what I have today is to remember what I let go of in my past.
Ten years ago I chose to have an abortion - to end the life of my first child. In doing so I ended a journey in my life that I’ll never get to see play out. And then only a few years later I ended another path in my life when I had my second abortion. So often I find myself aching for those children and pleading with God that I could go back and change everything. And yet through my tears I realize that if I were to go back, I don’t know where I would end up today. Would I be married to the my best friend? Would we have made the family we have today? Am I really willing to risk everything I love to go back and redo past mistakes? Ultimately I always come to the same conclusion, I choose the life I have today.
For years I’ve tortured myself, assuming I must love my family more than my sweet Aaron and David. But that’s simply not true. I’ve come to realize that I will continue to make mistakes and when I do I can either allow those mistakes to define who I am and become a prisoner to them, or I can learn from them, grow because of them, and become a stronger individual as a result of them.
Motherhood has made me want to become a better person and I know that Aaron and David have played a large role in shaping me into who I am today: a wife and a mother who praises God, loves life, and is very, very thankful for her family!