Undiscussed Truths of 'Choice'

There is certainly no shortage of opinions on abortion. For some it’s based on their moral or religious beliefs, or rights of the unborn. For others it’s about freedom of choice; a woman’s right to make choices concerning her own body. This blog is not intended to manipulate vulnerable women about whether abortion itself is right or wrong. If that were the case I believe my words would evaporate into the abyss we call the abortion debate. My intent is to provide support for women who may be faced with one of the most difficult choices of their lives – as I once was – by blowing through the rhetoric and sharing with them what I’d found to be the “undiscussed truths.”

Simply put, I am here to share my personal experiences with abortions in the hope that they will help educate women in a pro-choice society that professes personal freedom but fails to freely share all the information we need to make that choice. If I am able to help just one woman, I’ll feel this has all been worthwhile. But I also now feel driven to speak out and in some small way help mend a broken support structure and perhaps influence an all-to-often hypocritical society that failed me and continues to fail women today. As women, we owe it to each other to acknowledge that a pro-choice society hiding behind the ideals of feminism and choice, without the courage to reveal the “undiscussed truths,” is a failure unto ourselves. Yes, I had the right to choose an abortion. What I did not have was the ability to become fully educated on the true irreparable psychological damage that is so often associated with abortion and how alone I would be in my suffering.

Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)….ever heard of it? It’s a very real condition that affects a large number of women, and even their partners, after an abortion. These women are met with a wide range of emotional symptoms they weren’t anticipating and suddenly find it difficult to cope with their decision. They can struggle with depression, self-doubt, suicide, cutting. Some find it difficult to care for their existing children, often feeling unworthy; and others struggle just to go about their day to day routine. PASS is very real and society needs to become educated on it!

Many pro-choice activists have been sweeping PASS under the rug, implying that it’s simply a myth made up by pro-life advocates as a scare tactic. How could they otherwise account for the limited pro-choice post abortion support groups? They did ultimately open Emerge in 2006. Don’t get me wrong, prior to that there were support groups, but the vast majority were lead by religious pro life organizations. Ironic, don’t you think? The very people rallying behind a woman’s right to choose ignore us when we‘re falling victims to the emotional aftermath of an abortion.

So what are the motives behind so many of these pro-choice activists? Is it really about women and their right to choose? That being the case, I would expect they would want to depict a clear truth of what that ‘choice’ entails. Pregnancy, unplanned or planned, is a life-altering event; one which carries with it a life-long decision. No one should make an uneducated choice about proceeding with or terminating their pregnancy without fully weighing their options and thinking through the consequences. And I just don’t feel that women today are given the opportunity to make a truly educated choice. We’re failing them in one of their most desperate hours by offering idealism rather that the facts – the “undiscussed truths.”

My First Angel

This month my little Aaron would be turning 10 years old. The thought has brought a lot of grief and tears, more than I‘ve had in a while. I’m not sure if it’s because 10 years old is such a milestone or if it’s simply because I’m realizing how much time has elapsed since my little angel was once alive and a part of me. I think maybe it’s a little of both.

I remember so clearly how excited I was for my 10^th birthday and finally turning double digits. I often think about my Aaron and how excited he (or she) would be for his big day. And then I imagine the 10 years that I’ve missed of his little life - getting his first tooth, learning to walk, saying ‘mama’ for the first time, walking hand in hand to his first day at kindergarten, Christmas mornings, birthdays, visits from the tooth fairy, bedtime stories, trips to Disney World…life. I‘ve missed out on so many amazing memories and I’ve caused him to miss out on living.

It’s been over a decade since I carried my little Aaron inside me. Time has definitely helped me heal and move forward with life and yet ironically I seem to be fighting time. It’s a struggle for me as the years pass and separate me from the time when my angels were safe and living just under my heart. Nevertheless, I know I will carry them around forever in my heart but it just doesn’t change the fact that I miss them terribly!!

Happy Birthday my beautiful angel! I love you!

Journey to Healing - a Man's Perspective

Many of us really have no idea how a man copes with an abortion. I‘ve recently had the pleasure to hear from one man as he goes through his Journey to Healing. His blog gives a look into a man’s heart in the aftermath of an abortion.

http://pain2healing.blogspot.com/

Emotional Stess After My Abortions

My own shame mixed with the fear of judgment and disapproving opinions caused me to bottle up my emotions, allowing them to continue to build and fester inside me until I was ready to explode. I had become a ticking time bomb. Trying to find some way to defuse my emotions I turned to alcohol and drugs.

For a short time in between my on-again off-again relationship with my long-term boyfriend I began dating a drug dealer. He dealt mostly with ecstasy so that became my drug of choice, quickly working up to 3 or more pills a night, rolling roughly 4 times a week. It gave me what I had lost after my abortion: energy, emotional highs…peace. And one of the best factors, it kept me awake. I’d fall asleep eventually but the longer I could prolong the vivid, excruciating nightmares, the better. The come down, however, was horrible. Mixed with my already irritable and depressed state I was useless when I wasn’t rolling. To numb my senses during the day I smoked weed or drank myself into a stupor. And the longer I continued in the drug world, the more I experimented - candy flipping, meth, you name it and I was doing it.

Just a couple nights before I found out I was pregnant the second time a couple friends and I finished an eight ball of coke in one night. Imagine my surprise and fear when I discovered the pregnancy and knew I wanted to keep the baby. At that time I hoped with all that was in me that there was a God and He could help deliver me from my drug abuse to save my baby. I didn’t touch another drug my entire pregnancy but after my son was born the depression began to wash over me again. The more I loved my son the more I hurt for the child I had given up. This caused me to eventually turn away from my son and back to drugs. There is very little I remember during this time of my life and what I do remember seems like a bad dream. I recall a few mornings when he’d wake up early, only a couple hours after I had finally passed out. I’d stumble to get him out of his crib and bring him in my room leaving him to crawl around alone while I tried to continue sleeping. He’d inevitably begin crying for me to get up, throwing himself against the bottom of the bed eager for attention from his mommy. But I couldn’t move. Instead I‘d lay there listening to him while my heart broke…I just wanted to give him the love he deserved.

In the process of my second abortion, after hitting my lowest point, I realized I wanted to change. I had bound myself as a slave to depression, drugs and alcohol and I wanted freedom. Freedom, however, came at a cost. First I had to make it past the road to sobriety and that only came by the grace of God. And second, being sober meant I no longer had the drugs and alcohol to numb the longing I carried for my babies. Daily I heard demons screaming from within telling me I was a monster and unworthy of my son. It was a constant battle but I eventually found a post abortion support group and the realization that I wasn’t alone carried so much comfort. Now instead of turning to drugs that only numbed my pain I was able to turn to women who could empathize with me and help me overcome my pain.

Support and compassion are vital after an abortion; no one should feel they need to fight this emotional battle alone. Long term emotional stress is very real after an abortion! Not only are we often faced with the pain of losing a child but the pain of knowing we made that choice, which can carry immense guilt for many of us. Reaching out and talking with others helped me realize my abortions didn’t define who I was and didn’t make me a monster. They made me like every flawed human being who made a mistake and could be forgiven, I just carried a heavier burden!

From Pro Choice to Pro Life

When I was younger I was never really for or against abortions. It was never going to happen to me so who was I to stand in the way of a woman’s right to choose.  However, when I was faced with my own unplanned pregnancy my fear quickly turned me into a pro choice advocate.  What I have since learned is how easy it is to form an opinion on an issue based on a lack of true insight and understanding. After having 2 abortions, you might assume that I remain very much a pro choice advocate, right?  Wrong!  After 10 years of soul-searching I can now state without hesitation and with true insight into my opinion, I am a pro life advocate.  I realize, of course, that some will say this makes me a hypocrite.  To those people I respond…it makes me an honest and true survivor. 

Initially I rationalized my decisions and based on a belief that it was not the right time for me to bring a baby into my life, I continued on with my life.  But as I “continued on with my life” I also crawled through the emotional trenches, suffered through the nightmares, and longed for the babies I lost. I anguished over the idea that I allowed myself to be influenced into believing that my babies were not in fact babies, but just a lump of cells or tissue. My heart knows the truth now.  It knows the emptiness that will forever remain until someday I meet my little angels. I don’t want ANYONE to suffer the way I did. I don’t want anyone to be fooled into thinking an abortion is a quick relief.  By its very nature abortion necessitates a very quick and often hasty decision – presumably delivering a very quick solution.  But as you are forced to make this enormous decision during this very brief and highly emotional period it is rarely understood that you are making a life long decision that can have damaging effects on your emotional well being, regardless of the crap that Planned Parenthood shovels out saying emotional problems after an abortion are uncommon.

In my ’Social Disgrace’ blog I spoke about the boisterous radicals and their deafening chants against abortion. I’ve witnessed first hand as people have held up signs reading ‘Baby Killers’ and ‘You’re Going to Hell.’ I’ve watched as people have screamed obscenities to women leaving abortion clinics, and cringed with utter disbelief hearing of the unspeakable violence and murder that has taken place at these clinics carried out by those very people who at the top of their lungs profess to cherish life.  It disgusts me.  And despite their efforts to make women like me who have had an abortion feel like worthless filthy lepers, my eyes are now opened to the truth of those who are the true social disgrace!

As my healing progressed I knew I wanted to stand up and speak out against abortion but I wasn’t about to join the ranks with such extremists. One day, however, I asked some friends from my church support group to join me at a march against abortion. We didn’t talk the entire time we marched; instead we simply prayed, remembered, and cried. From there I met other pro life advocates and was pleasantly surprised by their compassion; they weren’t extremists like I had seen before. While some had gone to silent protests at clinics, I could see that they truly held no judgment, only sympathy for what any woman must be feeling as she faces an abortion decision. This group of people gave me hope. Hope, that someday as we work together through outreach and prayer that people like us will suppress the in-your-face, hateful acts of pro-life radicals and our message of compassion and understanding will rise up and triumph over hatred and judgment.  And I will continue praying that one day I will see an end to the damaging effects of abortion.

PASS - Amazing Post Abortion Support

Recently I’ve come across a message board at www.passboards.org  It’s a site created for men and women who are seriously grieving their abortion. After just a couple of weeks there I’ve come leaps and bounds in my continued healing. The compassion is overwhelming! It’s a safe place for anyone touched by an abortion (even family and friends) to speak out about how it’s effected them. There is no judgment, no shame, just a great deal of understanding. Everyone has a unique story but a common bond that allows empathy and comfort in knowing you’re not alone. There‘s men and women in all different stages of their recovery, some just went through their abortion and are feeling so many raw emotions they weren't expecting while others have traveled the road through healing and are there to offer their support. So if you or anyone you know needs a safe place to talk about your feelings or simply to realize that the roller coaster of emotions you feel are completely normal, check it out. You’ll find so many people wanting to lift you up and help you see you’re not alone!

Abortion: Social Disgrace

Listen...do you hear it?? It’s not the cries of those of us who are struggling to survive with our own personal abortion decisions. Nor is it the sound of compassion reaching out to those of us who made such decisions. No... any such voices have been caustically muted as the very personal issue of abortion has become very public fodder for political pundits and as self-appointed morality judges take to the pulpit. Their thunderous and overwhelming public displays effectively silence women such as me who fear the disapproving glares and harsh judgment.

For 10 years I’ve been nearly silent as I carried the grief and overwhelming shame of my abortion alone. Yet during these same 10 years I have sadly joined friends and family a number of times to grieve beside an expectant mother who just suffered a miscarriage. Each time I mourn with her, but with a secret empathy and a nagging sadness...there was no one to mourn the loss of my babies with me. Regardless of the circumstances, I deeply mourned my loss, but I did so alone. Not even during my follow up visits to Planned Parenthood, where my abortions were performed, did anyone seem to understand my sense of loss. I was left feeling isolated and confused when they told me that my grief seemed extreme. It was at that point I decided maybe I needed to accept that I made a choice (a choice I came to despise) and by having made this choice I apparently was not entitled to any sense of loss. “ You made your bed, now lie in it.”

During the past couple years, I slowly began to break my silence. As I began to reach out and find others who had experienced abortions I’ve discovered that I’m not alone in my deep and unrelenting emotions, I'm not alone in my regret and guilt. The more people I talk with the more apparent it becomes that there are powerful emotions and heavy burdens associated with abortions.  And while it is a “freeing” experience to meet these people with whom I can share a true sense of empathy, I feel like we’re in some underground secret society. Most of us still don’t feel comfortable talking to those closest to us in our lives – those whose love we cherish and whose opinions we value. It’s sad... really. We live in an educated society, filled with people who believe it is wrong to judge – that is unless they are doing the judging.